Gazandkim.com

I have some decisions to make. I’ve tried all the usual methods, making a list, flipping a coin and asking my wife, and yet, I still find myself looking at the same decision and wondering what the hell to do.

So, I’m going to try and evaluate the pros and cons out in the open where I can leave them safe in the anonymity of the internet and at least pretend that a decision has been made.

So, first up is where do I continue writing. I have a couple of options. I can continue writing on Gazandkim. This will allow me to express my creative side while using words like fuck, shit and machine washable. On the downside, I make no money off gazandkim and I don’t see any way that that is going to change in the near future.
or
I can write for Helium. This is a little more restrictive and let’s face it, I have to be a lot more creative to express my true feelings on any matter, which can only help my writing. And, I get the bonus of being paid and have the chance of selling some articles. Also, the stuff isn’t exclusive to Helium so I can repost it if I want to.
or
Associated content. same good points as helium and I can write on anything. Unfortunately, I can write on anything.
or
Triond. I’ve never written anything for them, but the payments can be better than both AC and Helium, however I give up all rights to the content, which, may not be all that much of an issue, seeing as how my content is in such great demand at the moment.

Given all of these, I suspect that the smart choice is to write for helium. I don’t have to think of topics and I can get paid. But I will still post on here when I don’t feel like being all PC and mainstream. Although, there are the occasional gem titles that pop up and those will be wildly publicised.

So, that’s one decision out of the way, the others can wait. Let’s let this one sink in and have some effect first.

English is a stupid language. No matter which way you slice it (and there’s an example) it’s hard to find a language with more rules that mean very little other than that they exist so that you can have exceptions to them. But, we’re not talking about spelling rules, or not ending a sentence with a preposition, no, we’re talking about phrases that really grate your carrot (not one of the phrases in question, I quite like this one).

When I say jump, you say “How high?”
I’ve never understood this one. If I ever tell someone to jump, there’s probably going to be a reason. If there isn’t a reason, I’m just going to see you asking stupid questions and think you’re being insubordinate. If I tell you to jump, you’d better start jumping, at that point you can ask “Is this high enough?” but, if you’re not jumping, theres a good chance your ankles will be cut off with a scythe.

It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick
It’s hard to think of something that could be worse than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. The list of things that are better is almost infinite, a poke in the eye with a blunt stick, or even, and I’m going to go out on a limb here, not getting poked in the eye at all.

The best thing since sliced bread
So, what was sliced bread the best thing since, regular bread? I can see the adverts now. Sliced bread, the best thing since bread. And before bread? Hmm! Bread, from the people who brought you fire! Which leads me into the next one…

If you play with fire, you;re going to get burned
I’m convinced that they left something out here. I’ve never once been burned by playing with fire, and I’ve played some stupid games, firelighter volleyball, skoppie-blik (if you haven’t heard of this one, essentially you take a roll of toilet paper, soak it in meths, and light it. After that you kick it around and hope like hell it doesn’t stick to your shoes.) yet, with all this enormous stupidity I’ve only been burned doing regular things, like cooking. The phrase should be if you’re a complete idiot and have no self-preservation instinct and play with fire, there’s a very good chance that you’ll get burned. Not quite as snappy, but at least it’s true.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee
Woohoo, so I’m going to aimlessly flit around looking for flowers until eventually I hit you once with a miniscule prick and then die in great pain. Yes, now that’s a great phrase, and this is from Cassius Clay when he still had most of his faculties.

Lol, ROFLMAO, WTF, etc
Now, I’ve actually heard people use these in conversations. Admittedly, they couldn’t have been very interesting conversations, or very intelligent people, but, nevertheless, talking like a 14 year-old AOL script-kiddie just removes all doubt about your IQ.

Now, I’m sure there are a hell of a lot more, but none of them are on the tip of my tongue (I lied, but I thought putting one in the final paragraph would be amusing. It may have failed, but, I don’t care). But, if I’ve managed to get people to use one less stupid phrase, then the world will be a better place.

I used to be terrible at starting things. Then I practiced it. I became a world champion starter. I know just about every way there is to begin a project. If I could think it, I could start it. I even became adept at restarting things. Bad Haiku got restarted once, Dodgy movie Reviews got restarted at least 3 times. In fact, I even started this post 4 times, but kept on deleting the title.

I’ve finally realised that beginnings are useless. In fact, they’re even worse than plans. Plans can always be written off as declarations of possibility. Beginnings are merely ways of breaking promises to yourself. And the more you do this, the harder it becomes to keep future promises. Of course, I can still finish a block of chocolate or a bag of chips, but this isn’t exactly an accomplishment.

So, it’s time to practice persistence. I’ve managed to get this right in my running. Even though I didn’t complete my first Two Oceans Marathon, I’ve entered that stupid race in Natal. Yes, I’ve entered Comrades. Now I want to take this sheer bloody minded persistance and belief and apply it to everything else.

To start with this application I am going to be posting daily. This is to do nothing more than get used to posting something on a daily basis. I promise the serious tone of the recent posts will be going away for a while, but sometimes, it’s necessary. But, so is surviving the zombie apocalypse.

So, It’s been 4 months or so since the last post and I’ve achieved absolutely fuck-all. Well, not exactly nothing, but pretty close. I have managed to come up with yet another plan, which i supposed kind of defeated the purpose of the whole thing. So, why have I not managed anything.

I could claim that it’s because I’m scared. I’ve gotten comfortable in the position I’ve found myself and while I rail against it, I’m scared of what will happen if I change too quickly. This is a nice comforting thought, but it’s not very useful. If I am scared, surely I must face these fears, and the only way to do that would be to change.

I could claim that work has been too hectic recently too actually have accomplished anything, but this also would not be true. I’ve spent a large amount of time watching bad movies, but haven’t been reviewing them, so this isn’t the case.

You could all claim that I’m full of it. This is possibly closer to the truth, after all, this is not the first time I’ve tried comething like this, and it’s not the first time I’ve failed at something like this either. However, I am hoping that you all feel that I could accomplish something if I really decided to.

Or, you could claim I’m just lazy. After all, I’ve almost managed to raise procrastination to an art form. And sometimes, just staring out at nothing is a viable pursuit and really is the best use of my time at that given moment.

Unfortunately, I suspect it’s a large combination of this and many other factors. But, I vow that dodgy movies reviewed and running diaries are going to be succesful sites before Easter next year. And who knows. they may even turn a profit.

I’ve been struggling to write this post for a while, mainly because I thought it had to be serious and deep. The problem is, I have about as much depth as a splash pool and I don’t do serious. In fact, when my dad passed away and someone said “We’re sorry to hear that you’ve lost your father” I responded with “No, we know exactly where he is, he’s at the undertakers!” Needless to say, this was to a British Banker and he was not amused. So, here goes.

Recently, after a bit of soul searching, I realised that I wanted to make a difference in the world. It didn’t have to be a big difference, but it needed to be important for those it helped. While I enjoy working as an engineer, the only difference I am making is to the bottom lines of large faceless corporations. This is no longer good enough. Doing a job that pays the bills is essential, but staying in a job merely because it pays the bills is not.

The other problem I have is that I’m really good at having plans. I’m so good that I can have more than one plan at the same time. I also excel at talking about these plans. In fact, I feel almost like the walrus except, instead of talking about “shoes and ships and ceiling wax, of cabbages and kings” its more like “things I plan on doing with my life, and things I want to achieve.” But, in the past, I have had about as much chance of implementing these plans as a snowball has in hell. Well, it’s now time to stick that snowball into the freezer so that it can survive and thrive.

So, the overriding aim is this. I will make a difference. While I am not certain how I am going to make this difference, but i do know that continuing on my current path will not be it. So, here it is, The PLAN. And yes, it does deserve the capitals. Here it is in black and white, where everyone can read it and hold me accountable.

Now, first things first. In order to be able to make a difference full time, I need to be able to pay the bills. This is the first subsection of The PLAN. I will have x websites up and running before the end of August(where x is an integer greater than 5). These sites will be on a number of topics ranging from entertainment to my attempts to make a difference. I have realised that running a website with the sole purpose of making money is never going to be enough to motivate me to keep at it, however doing it because it’s fun, will. Also part of this will be a continuing attempt at stock photography and article writing for Helium. In order to keep track of the success I have created a scoreboard. This will be displayed on a more suitable forum (probably The Starter Coach but the name may change). More details will follow, but needless to say it involves doing at least three things for each website per week.

Subsection two of the plan is to start making a difference. This has already started, but not in nearly the way i’d been hoping. To this end I will be starting a fund raising venture. This will require the registering of a non-profit organisation to begin with. i already know what is required, it just needs to be implemented. If other ideas crop up along the way, they will be evaluated and implemented or made freely available, just in case someone else can do something with them.

Finally, and this is probably the most important part of The PLAN, i will become a person of action. Things that are spoken about will be done, or never spoken of again. That statement right there is probably the one that is going to cause the most amusement to anyone who knows me, but this is the one thing that will enable all the others, and is likely to require the most perseverance.

Enough of the seriousness, normal service will resume shortly, after all, somebody has to let you know how to survive the coming zombie apocalypse.