The Buffalo Theory of Alcohol Consumption

May 7th, 2009

Buffalo. What could they possibly have to do with alcohol? Pink elephants are supposedly seen flying when one has consumed too much. And the morning after seeing pink elephants, you’re supposed to have a hair of the dog. So, where do Buffalo enter into it.

Normally, buffalo are seen in vast herds, so it would be safe to assume that the Buffalo Theory of Alcohol Consumption (yes, it does deserve the capitalisation) would refer to the way that drinks seem to gang up on you and attack you in bunches. We’ve all gone out for one drink that ended up being two days of memory loss, tequila and tow-truck surfing. This assumption would be wrong.

No, The Buffalo Theory of Alcohol Consumption owes its origins to a discussion about Darwin, Evolution, and how the lions tend to pick off the weak buffalo contributing to the survival of the stronger, faster buffalo and removing these poor specimens from the gene pool. A good thing too, as if the only buffalo that reproduced were the ones that could be caught easily by lions, we’d soon have a bunch of obese lions lying around the Serengeti and how would we get tourists to pay good money to see those.

This Darwinian survival of the fittest applies while consuming your favourite intoxicating beverage. It’s a well known medical fact that alcohol kills brain cells. What isn’t known is which brain cells it kills. Well, here’s the answer that the doctors don’t want you to know. In the same manner that the lions kill off the slower buffalo, alcohol destroys the weaker brain cells. These are the ones that cause you to think twice, a far slower process than only thinking once.

As more alcohol is consumed, the process gets even faster, with thought being removed from the equation altogether. Actions that under the sober light of day get held back by second and third thoughts, get performed. Without this “immediate” action, we would never have got Karaoke, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man or Mortal Kurling (a story for another day)

Just remember, the next time you have a brilliant idea while drinking, you need to act on it immediately while the weaker brain cells have been eliminated, and before the next batch age and get slow enough to hold you back. And if anyone asks you why you never come up with great plans while sober, just tell them about the Buffalo Theory.

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The Value of Internet Friends

February 9th, 2009

Internet friends are an interesting commodity. Compared to real life friends, they’re easier to make, easier to lose, and you’re likely to have more of them. They also have a whole range of values associated with them, and in this economic climate, knowing the true value of things has become pretty important.

Friends are valued on a sliding scale, ranging from passing acquaintances or work colleagues (these two are normally interchangeable depending on how much you like your cubicle buddies) all the way up to your lifelong BFF. The internet makes the distinction between the levels a little easier to define, allowing commodity values to be assigned to each point on the scale.

At the bottom of the scale fall the IRC friends. These are the people who acknowledge your presence when you enter a chatroom. They respond to what you hope are witty comments with LOL, ROFL and occasionally ROFLMAO. These are the Zimbabwean Dollars of internet friends. Every few months you make new ones and even in their hundreds they’re essentially worthless.

Next up are your forum and IRC PM buddies. These are the people who ask about your day, not because they are interested, but because it’s polite. In RL these would be your “Water Cooler” friends. These are like cash, they’re nice to have around, but you aren’t really going to use them for anything momentous.

At the next stage on the ladder lie your guild/party buddies. These are the fun groups that you go adventuring with in your favourite MMORPG or go killing other people with in FPS’s. You laugh, you joke around, and occasionally you can vent to them. They’d be your regular friends that you meet at the bar for drinks after work. Assigning a commodity value to these is a little more tricky as they generally comprise of people from a number of levels. These would be like your credit cards. You can have a lot of fun with them, but if you abuse them you could get in serious trouble.

Moving up the ladder you’ll find your internet inner circle. These are your IM/email buddies. You chat to them on a regular basis, even to the point of unloading your problems and asking advice. These are solid and dependable no matter the climate, and in rough times you want them close to you. It’s easy to evaluate these ones, they’re gold.

Finally, are the true gems, the diamonds among the dross. These are the life changing people you meet, sometimes through a chance encounter in a RPG, sometimes through a number of months slowly building the relationship from Zimbabwean Dollars. Regardless of the way they come into your life, one thing remains constant. These people have a profound impact and whether it’s for a few short weeks or a few score years they change your life. Treasure these friends, they’ll be as true as any you’ll meet in RL, and these are normally the ones that transition from words on a screen into flesh and blood creatures.

In tough times, the valuable friends need to be treasured and kept close, and when times are good for you but rough for them, remember to be there for them. After all, how many friends do you have that will accept you interacting with them dressed in nothing but your underwear while eating a tub of ice-cream in the dark.

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Starting a Rock Band - How to Allocate the Instruments Correctly

January 30th, 2009

You started with karaoke and managed to get more than the usual warm round of indifference. Then Sony brought out Guitar Hero and you were one of the first in line to pick up a copy. After mastering the complicated riffs, you saw another game, this one called rock band. You pick it up and after one drunken evening with your mates you decide it’s time to start a band.

Of course, here it is that you hit your first setback, none of you know how to play an instrument. But being the self-confident go-getter that you are, you know that there is no such thing as a setback, merely an opportunity you haven’t seen yet. After some thought you realise that this is the perfect opportunity to choose the correct instrument for each of your friends.

So, for any rock band you need at least four people, five would be better, but it all depends on who your friends are. First, you need to choose the drummer. This is probably the easiest casting to make. The tone-deaf talentless one in the group, and there’s always one, has to be the drummer. To complete the look, he needs to grow his hair long and maybe not wash it for a month or two.

The bass player is probably the next easiest to cast. To be successful as a bass player you have to be dark, brooding and silent. Minimal music talent and an ability to keep the beat are an added advantage, but if he’s the guy that always gets the emo and goth chicks you’ve got your man.

If you’re lucky enough to have four friends, you now have a difficult choice to make. Do you include 2 guitars, or one guitar and keyboards. Of course, Keyboards will add some versatility to your sound but you’ll need the correct personality type. The funny guy who’s wardrobe is more functional than fashionable is your choice here.

Now comes the really tricky part, choosing the front man. This is going to be your spokesperson, the guy that causes woman to thro underwear at the stage and the image that is going to sell your albums when you realise how badly you suck as musicians. The front man can be the guitarist or the lead singer. Either way, he’s got to be the hottest member of your band. If you have someone who can actually hit the tune during karaoke more than 50% of the time, he’s the singer. Just make sure that if your guitarist is the frontman, he gets lots of practice at awesome solo’s, jumping off amps, stage diving and generally being the rock idol you all dream of.

Now that everyone has the correct place all that remains is recording your first tune, posting the video on youtube and waiting for the studios to come calling. And remember if you happen to be the drummer, it’s not all bad, so you might not get first choice of the groupies, but at least you’re not a roadie. Someday, people may actually recognise you.

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