Recently, unfriend was given the honour of being nominated as the word of the year. What few people realise is that this is merely a ploy by the unfriend menace to try and hide their sinister motives. “What the hell are you talking about?” I hear you cry. “Unfriend is a verb!” No, it’s not, and it’s time the true menace behind the unfriend was brought to light.
Much like the undead, the unfriend take many forms, ranging from the almost harmless to the downright deadly. What follows is a guide to recognising the many forms of the unfriend and the correct way to dispose of them. Fore-warned is Fore-armed and all that.
The first, and most common form of unfriend are the Family Zombies. They shuffle about trying to make you feel guilty, and rather than feeding on brains, their staple diet is quality time. Much like regular zombies, Family Zombies are nearly impossible to kill. The don’t move fast or have much influence with the rest of your friends, but they are relentless. You can move to another city or country, but they have a habit of following you, or, even worse, expecting you to make a pilgrimage to sacrifice quality time at the altar of boredom contained in their homes. unfortunately, you can’t avoid family zombies, so you need to find a way to cope with them without having to surrender your sanity. I long ago perfected the art of staring at the floating dust, so much so that I am able to tune them out without any effort. By doing this, you appease the hunger without having to sacrifice mental health.
The Howling Banshee are difficult to spot from the normal crowd, until you have the misfortune of angering one. At this point the tirade of abuse will be unstoppable. Comments on any wall that will take them, as well as email and text messages to anyone that knows you. However, this attack is short lived and the Banshee will soon tire and move on to fresh prey, generally not in the same circles as anyone who still harbours any interest after witnessing the shrieks of fury deserves everything that happens to them the next time the Banshee is angered. And it will be. Of course, sometimes the Banshee’s wail can be used as a warning that an attack is imminent by that most sinister of the unfriend, The EX.
Now, the EX is able to marshall great resources and guile. With the ability to beguile long time allies, and the amazing resource drain ability, the EX is truly a being to be feared. If you manage to survive an encounter with the EX, you may find that you have far fewer resources and friends to call on in the dark days ahead, but you have survived. Few manage to encounter the wild specimen and escape with their lives. You may have lost your house, your pet dog, and most certainly, your dignity, but you can walk away with your head held high, or in extreme cases, at a run while ducking, bobbing and weaving. The only saving grace is that the EX needs a catalyst to evolve from the mild-mannered significant other. This catalyst generally comes in the form of “The Mistress”, and if this being is avoided, the dreadfull transformation that ends in the encounter with the EX can be avoided.
While there are more forms of the unfriend, these are the most common and by far the most likely to be encountered in the wild. Should you meet up with one of the minions of the unfriend remember to stay calm, and document all that you see and hear so that future generations that happen upon your remains can be informed of the dangers that lie ahead.