Buffalo. What could they possibly have to do with alcohol? Pink elephants are supposedly seen flying when one has consumed too much. And the morning after seeing pink elephants, you’re supposed to have a hair of the dog. So, where do Buffalo enter into it.
Normally, buffalo are seen in vast herds, so it would be safe to assume that the Buffalo Theory of Alcohol Consumption (yes, it does deserve the capitalisation) would refer to the way that drinks seem to gang up on you and attack you in bunches. We’ve all gone out for one drink that ended up being two days of memory loss, tequila and tow-truck surfing. This assumption would be wrong.
No, The Buffalo Theory of Alcohol Consumption owes its origins to a discussion about Darwin, Evolution, and how the lions tend to pick off the weak buffalo contributing to the survival of the stronger, faster buffalo and removing these poor specimens from the gene pool. A good thing too, as if the only buffalo that reproduced were the ones that could be caught easily by lions, we’d soon have a bunch of obese lions lying around the Serengeti and how would we get tourists to pay good money to see those.
This Darwinian survival of the fittest applies while consuming your favourite intoxicating beverage. It’s a well known medical fact that alcohol kills brain cells. What isn’t known is which brain cells it kills. Well, here’s the answer that the doctors don’t want you to know. In the same manner that the lions kill off the slower buffalo, alcohol destroys the weaker brain cells. These are the ones that cause you to think twice, a far slower process than only thinking once.
As more alcohol is consumed, the process gets even faster, with thought being removed from the equation altogether. Actions that under the sober light of day get held back by second and third thoughts, get performed. Without this “immediate” action, we would never have got Karaoke, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man or Mortal Kurling (a story for another day)
Just remember, the next time you have a brilliant idea while drinking, you need to act on it immediately while the weaker brain cells have been eliminated, and before the next batch age and get slow enough to hold you back. And if anyone asks you why you never come up with great plans while sober, just tell them about the Buffalo Theory.